Beginnings and Endings
by verinthalia1
Summary: What happened when Sunnydale sank from sight?
1. aftermath

Beginnings and Endings  
  
Author: Verinthalia  
  
Summary: What happened between the end of season 7 Buffy and season 4 Angel, and the set up for season 5 Angel?  
  
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy  
  
Rating PG-13. adult themes.  
  
Chapter 1 Aftermath  
  
Angel and Wes stood on the sidewalk in the gathering twilight watching as the faded dusty yellow Sunnydale School District bus dwindled in the distance. They turned and walked back into the cool clean marble and glass foyer of the Wolfram and Hart building that was now the home/office of Angel Investigations. Both lost in thought and remember the last week of shocking news and developments. Neither they nor their lives would ever be same.  
  
Seven short days ago Fred had called in full battle mode, ordering the vast resources of Wolfram and Hart to the Hyperion where scant moments before she had be besieged by a flood of young, bloody and haunted survivors. They had flowed through the double doors into the lobby like wind tossed flotsam, gaunt eyed, stiff limbed and stumbling survivors of a horrific war.  
  
Only the sight of Willow standing firm like a commanding red haired goddess at the head of the flow had kept Fred from full panic. The powerful witch's terse explanation and list of needs sent the slim ex-Texan into action. Her call to the office had also summoned The Angel Investigations team to hand. Lorne and Gunn were in charge of fitting out and finding rooms for the new 'guests'.  
  
A true measure of the toll the final battle had taken on the new slayers was the blank eyed resigned acceptance of aid and direction from the dapper Gunn and the talk green skinned, red horned demon in a flamboyant yellow silk suit. Not a one balked or hesitated to comply with their instructions. Fred and Willow marshaled the medical teams and the turned to catering and clothing the contingency.  
  
Faith grabbed Angels arm as he strode into the hotel, quickly commanding him to Giles presence in Wes' old office. Angel's mind had begun to spin at warp sped. How to remove Cordy and Conner as well as Conner's new family, where to send them, what would they need to safe guard them, he stumbled as he entered the office his thoughts just now turning to Buffy, and then only because Dawn was slumped, bedraggled and exhausted in a wing chair. Her eyes closed, face a mask of loss and grief.  
  
Giles stood at the edge of the desk shoulders rolled forward gazing at his feet.  
  
"How long do we have before the First arrives?' Angel spoke.  
  
"Huh, oh .Angel. The First was defeated, but I'm afraid the cost was extremely high." Giles struggled to stand straight.  
  
"Buffy?" Angels whispered, his voice sounding rusty.  
  
"No Buffy is out there" Giles waved his hand vaguely in the direction of the lobby. "Tending her troops. Sunnydale is no more. It was swallowed by the earth itself as the hell mouth was destroyed." The ex-librarian ex- watcher collapsed on the leather sofa, as Angel rummaged in the desk drawer freeing a bottle of scotch and 2 glasses.  
  
He quickly poured a generous three fingers and handed it to Giles. "Thanks"  
  
"Destroyed?" Angel looked stunned and unbelieving.  
  
"Yes, I only have a few sketchy details. The others fled as Spike invoked the amulet. It seems that is began to channel an intense light into the hellmouth. Buffy and Spike were the last ones left in the hell mouth itself. She has only said that Spike did it. Nothing else. She had to run to escape the explosion and following collapse just barely making the bus roof." Giles stopped like a puppet with his strings cut.  
  
"What does my irritating grandchilde say? I assume his boasting and preening with his success?" Angel snarked.  
  
"Spike did not survive." Giles said quietly.  
  
"Oh I find that hard to believe, he's a weasel, a cockroach. He'll turn up at the worst possible time." Angel quipped.  
  
Dawn launched to her feet, her hand a blur as she slapped angel's face. "SHUT UP! Spike died. He died to save us. Nothing could live through that." She collapsed at his feet in tears. Angel stood stunned his mouth open.  
  
"The explosion was beyond anything I have ever witnessed, even the tapes of the nuclear bomb blast are like a child's holiday crackers compared to the light, heat and energy that emanated from the epicenter." Giles ground out Ripper very much present in his tone, and manner.  
  
Angel slumped to the desk his face stunned. A quick flash of hope lit his face. He closed his eyes and went still, after a moment his eyes opened, his face stunned. Then he wrapped his arms around his chest, seeming to draw in on himself. "Giles, you're right, he's gone. I can't feel him. He's a childe of my childe, one of the line of Aurelious I should be able to feel him. But it's gone, he's not there."  
  
The three sat staring off into the distance all stunned and two of them grieving.  
  
"Giles, What do you need?" Wes asked as he entered the office.  
  
"Ah, Wesley, I assume you know about the First's attack on the Council?" Giles began to regain his animation.  
  
"Yes, yes. I've heard all about it. There are a few that survived, those on location, and such. I've been in contact." Angel had left the office at that point, gently leading Dawn out to the ordered bedlam in the lobby. " Lorne, this is Dawn, Buffy's sister she needs to." His voice petered out.  
  
"Bath and Sleep" were Dawn's flat answer.  
  
"Well aren't you the lucky one, I am in charge of rooms sweetcakes, so if you'll come with me, I'll settle you in as snug as a cute little bug." Lorne tenderly laid his arm around the teenager and lead her up the stairs to a room. He chatted softly of the amenities, and wonders of a good hot soaking bath. Just mindless drivel to easy the shocked and stunned girl into a well needed rest. With each step she lean more on his tall frame finding comfort and security in yet another demon protector.  
  
Angel turned searching the buzzing room full of people. His eyes searching the sea of bodies in motion and finally finding her. Buffy knelt beside a young African-American girl holding her hand and talking softly as the field medics worked franticly to tend her. Angel stood behind her watching as the injured girls eyes drifted closed and the medics signaled that they were ready to move her Buffy sighed deeply her shoulders slumping before she drew a deep breath finding her core of energy and rising to move on to the next wounded girl.  
  
He reached out and gently laid his hand on her shoulder, she spun face set for the next crisis. "Oh, Angel. I have to, um.later, 'kay?" she mumbled as she moved away.  
  
Her turning away from him stung. He had wanted to be her strength. He had expected her to need to lean on him. He stood and watched as a woman he had never truly seen before moved through the large room.  
  
He watched finally seeing her for the first time in over 2 years. There was no doubt that she was in charge, they were her followers. They had followed her to the very pits of hell and they would obey her without question, but instead of leaving them to clean it up, as he would have done here she was elbow deep in the aftermath.  
  
Tending to them, still working to keep them safe and comfortable. He understood it then. She was 'cookies' and she didn't need him.  
  
He watched finally seeing the young innocent girl he loved had become the wise battle weary woman he now admired. Marveling he stared as she pulled it all together. Calming them, offering them hope, pride and peace. She was a balm to their injured souls.  
  
Deep inside he knew that what they had shared in Sunnydale years ago was past. Her future and his would not be together. Friendship, and a deep abiding love they would always have, but the days of being in love, of needing each other were gone.  
  
Like a well-oiled machine the Angel team and the Scoobies made quick work of the chaos in a short time the injured were seen to and the other had been ensconced in rooms to sleep the exhausted sleep of the just and victorious warriors that they were.  
  
Around 10am the next morning they gathered in the large communal kitchen, nine people, one vampire and one demon the survivors of the holocaust, and the team that had received them.  
  
"I know we are all at the end of our ropes, but I need to talk about what happened." Willow began. "It's to big for me to understand it, to take it all in." She cleared her throat, " But before we start talking, I want to offer you all a little comfort, I can do a simple spell that will give you a little boost of energy, a clarity of recall, and a buffer against the emotional hurts."  
  
"Willow, did your time with the coven teach you nothing? Controlling other's emotions is a direct violation of ." Giles began but she cut him off.  
  
"Giles not that kind of spell, it's a warding. It's called the Brynwyd Dreft, just a little Novocain like numbing for only this place at this time. It does not affect the people, but the place."  
  
She looked at him with deep understanding, "It makes this a hallowed spot. A place, were the truth with all its sharp edges and rawness does not harm those that hear it. A sacred place, that brings understanding and clarity, where you hear, understand and remember what others say. There is so much that we need to discuss, and we need to be able to say it and have everyone hear it without worrying about the pain the truth will cause us all."  
  
"I'm impressed. That's old magic. You learned so very much more from the coven that I thought." Giles was humbled.  
  
"Will I don't need." Buffy began.  
  
"Buffy please, we all will be dealing with our loses, our pain, new and old. Did the last 2 years not teach us that we have to be truthful, or did you enjoy all the hurt feelings, and missed signals?" Willow asked.  
  
"I guess you're right." Buffy sighed and hung her head.  
  
"Whoa, whoa whoa. Is this like your 'forgetting' spell?" Dawn asked.  
  
"No, every one here must agree, then and only then can I set the wards around this room. Once they are set anyone in this room will speak only truth, and the pain felt by those hearing it will be dulled to little 'twinges'. We can face the loses and process them with out being over come by our grief and pain." Willow explained. " When we finish I will dismantle them."  
  
A chorus of yeahs, and oks sounded around the room. Will opened her bag and set eight stone die each about 1-inch square on the table arranging them. Four soft yellowish cubes were laid together to form a square, then the other four a deep mossy green were laid corner to corner with the inner square. This formed extended corners or cardinals to the center square.  
  
She closed her eyes and centered herself before she began a soft chant almost like a prayer. They watched as the cubes began to glow softly lit from deep within. Willow opened her eyes, and then with a hand that flowed like water she touched the yellow cube at the upper left hand side. "Prime" she intoned. The cube flashed, as if lit from within. Her finger moved to touch the upper right one "Seconde". It flashed as well. "Tierce", the lower left flared, " Quarte" and all four yellow cubes came to life creating a small glowing square.  
  
Her hand moved to the upper left green cube, "Quinte" on the upper right the cube flared to a rich green glow. "Sixte" then to the lower ones in clockwise order, "Septime", Octave" each cube igniting to life as she named them.  
  
She drew in a deep breath and exhaled before she lifted the first yellow one prime and as she set it on the one to its oblique corner she spoke "Primus". They all heard the sound of a lock clicking into place, as the two cubes became a soft spring green oblong with the soft wave of her hand it levitated to the left corner of the room in front of her.  
  
She lifted the second yellow cube 'Seconde' and mated it with 'Sixte' naming it "Secundus" again floating it to the corner ahead of and to her right. She solemnly mated 'Tierce' with 'Septime', named this pair "Tertius" and placed it behind and to her right, then she mated 'Quarte' with 'Octave' this was called "Quartus" and as she sent it to the left hand rear corner of the room she stood and raised her hands out to her sides in supplication.  
  
"Primus, Secundus, Tertius et Quartus, Fiat Lux" raising her arms as she spoke she clapped her hands over her head as she finished. A soft light washed the walls, floor and ceiling. The occupants of the room felt a soft wave of love and safety wash over them as the light blended with the physical boundaries of the room and faded from sight.  
  
Again Willow drew in a deep breath and flashed a brilliant smile at those assembled around her.  
  
"I am astounded. I thought that the wards were lost in myth." Wes breathed softly.  
  
"No just protected. Only those that truly need them are permitted to use them. The coven in Devon felt as if we might need them." Willow shyly admitted.  
  
Giles cleared his throat and rose to his feet, "Just to sum up, the First Evil tried to become corporeal, it seems according to Beljoxa's Eye that because Buffy was brought back from the dead by Willow that the balance of power was shifted and this gave the First a chance at manifestation. It enlisted a human named Caleb and empowered him to marshal its servants the bringers. The Council's headquarters were destroyed and with it our vast library of data and scholars. People whose families had been part of the Council for generations." Giles began.  
  
"As far as we have been able to ascertain the bringers began a worldwide campaign to eradicate all of the potential slayers and their watchers. The plan was to leave Buffy and Faith as the sole women on earth that were able to assume the legacy. Then it planned to end the line of slayers with the death of the only two left. At that point the hellmouth was to open and the earth would become a demonic world with the first in control."  
  
Giles looked at Willow, "You all had 'visits' from the first in the form of a dead person, would you tell us what it said and how it hoped to control you?" He asked gently.  
  
"I think maybe Andrew should go first, he saw it before we did. Please stay on topic, no flights of fancy." She nodded to the nervous young man.  
  
"Um Well. You all know what happened with Warren and Jonathan right? Well, see it started as a game. Like let's take over Sunnydale, become big time crime bosses. It was just suppose to be fun. We just wanted to be rich and powerful. You see, not geeks anyone. But Warren got real serious about it, and I just followed along. Then after the whole Darth Rosenberg episode, Jonathan and I went south of the border, you know. Hiding out. big outlaws. but then I started to see Warren when I was alone."  
  
He swallowed audibly. "He showed me the Seal of Danzathar, and said that I had to get Jonathan to go along. If I could just get him there, then it would be OK and we would be redeemed, and empowered. That we could live like Gods, in a land of grace and power."  
  
The frightened youth began to twist and wring his hands, his mobile face quivering and moving.  
  
"Andrew, it's Ok. It's all over. We just need to know what it said and did, so we can move on, stop thinking that if I had only. You see?" Dawns calmed him with a hand on his arm.  
  
He nodded and began to speak, " Then Warren-it, told me what I needed to make it work, the knife and a book of magic. It showed me a prophecy. The prophecy said that it, um the seal, could be turned off to stop the darkness from rising. Jonathan translated a description of the darkness literally as 'it eats you from the bottom'. But I think it meant 'from beneath you it devours'. Then we both started to have nightmares."  
  
He stopped and shuddered, his eyes growing wet before he continued. "I was seeing us as playthings of the dark one, but Jonathan was seeing what would happen to the world if it rose. So we came back. Jonathan wanted to uncover it and come to you for help Buffy, but Warren-it, had another plan. We dug up that seal. It convinced me that I had to sacrifice Jonathan, that his blood would stop it, and that he would be in a place like the Elysian Fields. I was supposed to ascend and join him and Warren."  
  
But once I had...sacri. killed Jonathan it wasn't enough blood." Warren got mean, and kept pushing me to find more blood. That was when Willow caught me at the butcher shop." He seemed to collapse in on himself. But thanks to the wards he felt lighter, cleansed almost by telling his tale.  
  
Sorry not the best place to stop, but I hate really long chapters. I'll try to keep 'em short and to the point. 


	2. madness remembered

Beginnings and Endings  
  
Chapter 2 Madness remembered  
  
Author Verinthalia  
  
I beg a thousand pardons.. The Wards that Willow set in the first chapter was drawn from the " Deryni Chronicles" by Katherine Kurtz, and I have found similar 'spells' of protection in most of the eclectic faiths I have studied. They all use four cardinal points, the winds, the compass points or the archangels to set perimeters for a 'sacred place' for meetings, or spell workings. I will try to add a new chapter every other day until I finish this. Thanks for all the reviews and encouragement. I just think Joss leaves out too much of the between scenes. I need a little closure myself.  
  
There was a collective sigh around the room, and then Dawn asked, "Why are we putting ourselves through this? What purpose does it serve?"  
  
"Giles and I believe that the First orchestrated the attack with the aid of another entity that attacked us here. And there were things that happened that must be examined, and recorded. With the destruction of the Council, we must begin a new and clear record for future generations. The First was defeated, but it cannot be destroyed. Only contained. There will come a time centuries if not millennia from now when it again will threaten the earth." Wesley said.  
  
"I made a grave mistake in relying on only my own research not so long ago, and the consequences were dire." He bowed his head.  
  
"If you want to know who had dealings with the First earliest that would be me" Angel growled out.  
  
"About 4 to 4 ½ years ago when I returned from a hell dimension the First began to haunt me. It would come to me in my dreams, making me relive my worst murders. Then I began to see my victims, and they would talk to me reminding me that I was evil. They were pushing me to madness. The guilt was almost unbearable." He stopped and closed his eyes.  
  
He raised his head and continued, "It came as Jenny Calendar, she keep urging me to take Buffy, and I felt as if the only answer was to greet the sun. Buffy found me and tried to stop me, but I was too far-gone in grief, guilt, remorse and madness. Then the 'Powers that Be' intervened. It snowed in Sunnydale for the first time."  
  
Shock was mirrored on the faces of those listening and a chorus of 'I remember thats' as well as 'I didn't know whys' softly filled the room.  
  
" It seems that the First resented that I had been returned to Earth to fight for the good guys, and it wanted to deprive the 'Powers' of their 'champion'." He finished.  
  
Buffy spoke, " It seems the First has a real wood on for Vampires with a soul. It came after Spike too."  
  
She stared off into space, "We all know that for over 3 years Spike loved me. When Willow brought me back from the dead almost 2 years ago, I was numb. I felt nothing but anger. But Spike out of everyone in my life, didn't want me to reassure him that I was Ok. He just wanted to be there for me. I could run to him and hide, be a lump. Just sit and veg out." She smiled softly.  
  
" He was the only one I could tell that I wasn't in a hell dimension, that I was in heaven. He understood the horror of digging free of your own grave. He just listened to me, and offered me another way to look at the things that were bugging me. When it all started to spin out of control, and I wanted to hurt someone, something. He stood there and offered himself."  
  
She sobbed a little and sniffled back a few tears. " I started the affair. Spike found out that he could hit me. It wasn't his chip; he still couldn't hurt anyone else. Just me. He goaded me with it said I came back wrong. I think he was trying to push me into reacting. Trying to break down the wall of apathy I was hiding behind. Tara investigated and found that I came back just a little different, molecularly."  
  
" Do you remember his face at my birthday party? That was my doing, not a chaos demon. I did it the night he tried to stop me from turning myself in for 'killing' Katrina. Some how he knew that I hadn't done it. For trying to protect me I beat him to a bloody pulp. Still he forgave me, and came back for more." She sat shivering at the memories.  
  
She laid her hands flat on the table, "It wasn't love on my part, and it was revenge. I attacked him like an animal. The sex was brutal, violent. Then rougher and more degrading the more I got off. He took it, he preformed for me. It always began with me saying no and fighting him, than I would jump him. He always wanted to be soft and gentle, but I wouldn't let him. Afterwards I would tell him it was over, never again."  
  
She turned her haunted eyes to Xander, " That night in my bathroom, he was only following the unspoken rules I had laid down, but when he realized that I had meant no, and he had ignored it, he was crushed. I could see and I still see the terror in his eyes. Spike, the old Spike was William the bloody, but I don't think he ever was the kind of man to abuse women."  
  
She stared straight at Angel, " He ran, out of shame, and fear at what he had almost done. He went to Africa and suffered through a series of trails to regain his soul. He did it for me, because he wanted to be 'a kind of man, a better man. To find the piece that made him fit. So everybody will forgive and love, so he would be loved.' He suffered with it. I found him last fall hiding in the school basement. He was, as he said 'bug shagging crazy'."  
  
She leaned back in her chair, " Later after the trigger had been disarmed, he told me that the First was always at him as Warren, Glory, Adam, Mayor Wilkins, Dru, and the Master. It would come to him as me, or himself always urging him to be the evil vampire he had been. The only thing that kept him grounded and resisting was my belief in him that he was a good man."  
  
She stared straight at Giles, "It possessed him for a while, it had him killing again, and turning others, when he realized what he had done he begging me to stake him. I couldn't do it. I felt guilty. I had pushed him to getting his soul, all the torment was my fault." She sighed.  
  
"The night the bringers attacked and kidnapped him was to punish him for betraying the First. The awful tortures he survived were because the First couldn't 'persuade' him to join it. When I found him, he was lost again in his own mind, chanting over and over 'she will come for me, she will come for me' like a mantra. At first he laughed at me and said I wasn't real that I couldn't touch him. Seems the First like tormenting him as me." She swallowed deeply her agony visible to all in the room.  
  
"Then when his chip began to fire randomly and continually, killing him, frying his brain I made the decision to have it removed. I knew what he had endured and I knew then just as we all know now that he was a good man. He no longer needed a 'leash' to keep him in check. He did it on his own. He knew right from wrong and chose to do the right thing because he cared about humanity." She finished triumphantly; her eyes daring anyone to gain say her.  
  
Dawn stirred, " You were right, William was a poet, a real Victorian gentleman. And while Angelus may have wanted to decimate the human race, Spike didn't. I asked him once about the Judge, and he was embarrassed. He thought Dru would grow tired and chuck the whole thing, he didn't honestly think she could pull it all together. Once she did he was desperate to find a way to stop it." Dawn spoke up.  
  
" I remember when I found out I was the Key, he was with me. Not to egg me on. He was there to protect me. I had the biggest crush on him, but he turned it into a brother/sister type of love by being real. He answered my questions; he listened to my doubts and fears. He backed me up when I needed it. And He defended you all when I was in an 'I hate them all' frame of mind." She paused and turned to catch Buffy's eyes.  
  
"You all were so he hasn't got a soul, so he's evil and evil soulless beings that when Glory caught him and tortured him, I was more frightened that I'd ever been. I went to see him and confessed that I thought I was evil. That I didn't have a soul, maybe that the monks had left it out. How could I not be evil if everyone around me was being hurt because of me." She smiled softly.  
  
"That was when he proved that he loved us to me. Not with words, but he went to a warlock and got a soul crystal. It glows if the person holding it has a soul, if they don't or the soul is damaged it remains dull, just a chuck of quartz. To prove it, he had several of his demon poker buddies hold it so I could see. Then he handed it to me and it glowed a bright clear light. 'See bit, you do have a soul, and you're no more evil than any other pubescent girl.' And he laughed." She blinked back her tears.  
  
"The whole time Buffy was dead, he was there for me. He wasn't in face my and all Pollyanna attitude giving me ice cream and platitudes. He would just be there. Letting me cry to him and on him. He held me and comforted me. He told me all about his life as William." She giggled lightly.  
  
"He said that William was such a 'poof' as he said that the mere thought of kissing a girl would make him weak kneed. William was terrified to be alone with a girl, back then all meetings were chaperoned. Manners were how the gentry were judged as worthy." She looked down at her hands before continuing.  
  
"I left my window open every night and he would leave through the front door all 'night all' when Tara and Willow went to bed, but then sneak back in and hold me as I slept. He was always gone in the mornings, but I could face the day knowing he would be there for me during the night." She turned a balisk like stare to Xander.  
  
" When you told me he tried to rape Buffy it was so anti-Spike I couldn't believe it, and then Buffy wouldn't confirm or deny it. But I did know that his leaving hurt her, so I became bitter and I resented him. I resented all of you. You refused to tell me anything."  
  
She looked at them all in turn, "Spike was the only one of you that was ever honest with me, regardless of how bad the truth made him look. Except if the truth would damage my opinion of one of you. Then he would let me think the worst of him. He's been sacrificing himself for all of you for years." She stopped.  
  
" I was so confused when he came back, I ached to comfort him to give back just a little of what he had done for me, but my damnable 'Scooby Loyalty' got in the way. Now I can never tell him how much he means to me, I can never thank him for saving my life so many times in so many ways." She paused, her face sad and pensive.  
  
"Let me say this one thing and believe me when I say it. He loved each and every one of us. He may have had a weird way of showing it but he did. Willow he understood the depth of your feelings for Tara when no one else did. He's the one that sent Buffy after you when you took on Glory. Xander, he knew you were miserable without Anya. He tried to goad you into going back to her, and he tried to goad her into unbending enough to take you back." She glared at them all.  
  
"Remember how he proved Tara had no demon in her? What about his nicknames for all of you? Glinda the good witch, Red, I loved it when he called Anya Xander's 'bird'. How many times did he taunt you with the 'truth' and you refused to hear it. And you my own sister, I'm so ashamed of the way you abused and used him."  
  
She gathered a fresh head of steam; "Get over yourself, just because your other relationships were massive failures, and the asses all left you didn't mean that he would. Hell you weren't even boinking him when he damn near died at Glory's hands." She glared at them.  
  
"Remember how kind and gentle he was with Tara during her mind sucked stage. He really did love Mom. I saw more of them together than the rest of you. He was kind and very courtly to her. It brightened her life to have him be her friend. To seek her advise, to listen to her daily little dramas. God knows Buffy and I never did."  
  
She shifted in her seat. "It hurts so much to think that he spent his entire life both undead and living without a friend, just nutty Dru. We never realized how lonely he was. Did we ever invite him to join us? Even after the summer he worked side by side with you all, you still treated him like a thing, a tool." Her face crumpled.  
  
" Think how hard it was to be than alone, that outside of your little group. And even then he did the right things without your help or encouragement." She stopped.  
  
Silent filled the room. Then she spoke again, " As to the First, I was home alone Buffy was out patrolling, and Willow was at the library. I heard this loud thumping. I opened the front door and a gale like wind almost blew me over. I managed to close the door and then all the electric appliances began to go haywire. The TV turned itself way up and even when I unplugged it, it was still on." She shuddered.  
  
" The stereo was acting crazy, loud and changing stations, I ran to the kitchen and the microwave blew up then I heard mom call to me on the portable radio" She sat up straighter.  
  
"I took it back to the living room with me and I tried to get her to talk to me, I yelled that if it was Mom to knock once. It did, and then I asked it to answer me one knock for yes and two for no. I asked if she was alone? It knocked twice. Was she all right? Again two knocks, then it was like the exorcist. There was writing on the walls in blood and the furniture was moving." She shivered.  
  
"I did a casting out spell, to repel the 'evil' and it began to trash the house and shove me around. When I finish the spell it was calm and quiet. That was when.. When mom appeared. She was beautiful in a long white dress and all glowy. She said that she loved me, and she loved Buffy, but when it counted, when the bad things came that Buffy wouldn't chose me."  
  
"I sat there stunned and begging her to stay but she said her time was up she had to go. Just a few minutes later Willow came running in like a demon was after her. That was the only time the first appeared to me alone." 


	3. lies, lies, lies

Beginnings and Endings  
  
Author: Verinthalia  
  
Summary: What happened after Sunnydale sank and when the truth is compelled.  
  
Rated :pg-13  
  
Chapter 3 Lies, Lies, Lies.  
  
Thanks for the wonderful reviews.I know that others feel the same way, that things were left unfinished. As for needing a spell to compel the truth, we have all learned that this bunch can't be honest any other way. The line or order of Aurelius is the 'bloodline' or clan that Darla, Angelus, Druscilla, and William the blood descend from. The Master sired Darla in 1609 then she sired Angelus in 1760, then he sired Druscilla in 1860, and she sired Spike in 1880.Episode 7 Season 2 of Angel covered that when Wolfram and Hart brought Darla back. In the Joss verse vampires of the same 'line' can feel each other, like a psychic link. I do stay very close to cannon; I hate to mess with a good thing. To that end I spend a lot of time at Buffyworld reading transcript of the shows. Joss' characters are wonderfully complex and intriguing. It's almost a literary sin to change them. Please enjoy my work, and keep reading, 'Beginnings and Endings' will probably a nice long story. I'll try to post at least twice, sometimes3 times a week, but real life tends to gets in the way.  
  
***** Now back the story*****  
  
Dawn sat her tale retold, as they all shifted in their seats. Willow cleared her throat.  
  
"That was the same night that the First came to me. It appeared as Cassie, remember the girl that had foresight, and died of a bad heart?" She paused and looked around.  
  
"I was in the UC Sunnydale library studying, and She just walked up and sat down. She said she was here to talk to me for Tara. She knew things.Things only Tara would have known. She asked me questions that Tara would have asked. She said that I could never again use Magic that if I did it would consume me and destroy everything and everyone I knew. To quote her, 'You're not gonna be ok. You're gonna kill everybody'." She said that Giles and the Coven were wrong that the evil was so deep inside that I couldn't control it."  
  
She swallowed hard and continued, "I said I wasn't sure I could do it. Never use magic again. Then she said that there was a way I could be with Tara, and I could be sure I'd never use the magic again. She hinted that I knew how. I asked her how?" She sighed deeply  
  
"She was pushing me to suicide, with the promise that Tara and I could be together forever. That was when I knew it was a lie."  
  
Willows eyes grew hard and glistened, " I asked who she was, why was she hurting me? She said I didn't know what hurting was. That the last year would seem like cake after she was finished with my friends and I. She said she wasn't a fan of easy death, that she was tired of the good vs. evil balance, that she was going for the big finish."  
  
Willow voice grew stronger, "I quoted 'from beneath you it devours' and she answered not it 'me'. Then her began to morph into a big evil grin that turned inside out and disappeared."  
  
" What do you mean morphed? Like in X men or." Xander asked.  
  
Willow shot him a look of disgust. "She made me feel like the old geeky Willow, The fledging witch that always messed up, like you all have made me feel in the past. Every time something weird or hinky or mystical went wrong you all have suspected me. You all remember my mistakes, but you forget it when I do things right, like when I re-souled Angel the first time. I just wish Buffy could have stalled like I asked." She paused.  
  
"Like you asked? Xander said nothing like that to me. He said you said to 'kick his ass'. Do you mean to tell me that . " Buffy spun and stared at the one-eyed man. "You lied to me??"  
  
"Xander! You knew I was casting the spell when you left the hospital that day. I told you specifically to tell her. To warn Buffy to hold off on the killing and stuff." Willow liquid green eyes flashed and she seemed to almost glow. "What else have you lied to us about? Hum? Have you always lied when we didn't do what you wanted? Do you try to control us with misinformation?"  
  
She pinned him to his chair like an insect specimen on display.  
  
"Wills, Buffster, isn't not like that." He stammered.  
  
Giles cut in, "I think it is like that. I think you've bent the truth for over seven years to please yourself to enhance your image. I know you have. You remember everything about your possession by the hyena. You asked me not to tell. Why?"  
  
"Well, I um." He fidgeted.  
  
"Because he tried to rape me, and he was a real ass to Willow and everyone else. If he didn't remember then he couldn't be blamed. Like he blames everyone else for human mistakes." Buffy snapped.  
  
"Time for the truth, why did you leave Anya? Was she right are you just a scared little boy hiding behind dumb jokes? Why do you seem to hate every man I've ever dated with exception of Riley?" Buffy demanded.  
  
"He's the only human you every dated." Snapped Xander.  
  
"I see so it's ok for everybody else to date outside of species but me. Why? You've dated a giant Preying Mantis, a Mummy Girl, A vengeance Demon, and that Goat-eyed thing in the school basement, Willow dated a werewolf, and a computer demon, but I can't. Is it because I turned you down for the Spring Fling in our sophomore year?" Buffy ranted.  
  
"Yes Xander, or is it because you think that if she wouldn't give in and date you no one else is good enough for her? Why did you ignore me for all those years when you knew I had a major crush on you? Why did you torment me with Cordelia? Then when I found Oz, you played with my emotions to the point I almost lost him? Are you that insecure? Do you need a harem of women around you to make you feel strong and masculine?" Willow asked.  
  
"It's because if vampires are good enough for her than I'm less than a demon. The real reason I left Anya is because what that guy showed me. Our future. Anya and me with 2 kids the second one a floppy eared demon hybrid, not mine. The two of us fighting, her blaming me for pushing her away because of Buffy, and Buffy's death. Then she said 'She hated me and hated our life, that she should have left me.' " He sighed.  
  
"In the future we had grown apart, and both of us had turned bitter. Then I became my dad, a mean violent drunk. I couldn't do that to her. I couldn't tell her that yes I love her, but I love Buffy more. I was settling for her." He slumped in his chair.  
  
In a wounded voice he asked, " Why Buffy? Why don't you love me? Why am I just the comic relief in your life? Is it because my dad was right that I'm just a useless excuse for a man? I'm the reason they got married you know. Mom got knocked up, so they got married. Dad hated mom. He felt trapped. She knew it, but in a sick way she loved that, that power to trap him to ruin his life. It gave her a reason to blame him for her mundane existence."  
  
"Willow, I 'm so sorry for the crap I pulled on you. You're right I have a need to have you girls want me around. I craze someone to want me, to need me. I look for value in the way others see me. I guess it's time I grew up and found my own value." He sighed.  
  
***** Bad place to stop, but I need to rethink how I want this to play out. I want Xander to grow up and face life. But I don't want to shred him doing it. 


	4. Human Weaknesses

Beginnings and Endings  
  
Author: Verinthalia  
  
Chapter 4: Human weaknesses.  
  
Rated pg-13  
  
Author's note: This fic is my own personal view of things that were left unfinished unaddressed and unsolved. This is not a relationship driven story. It is a look into the fallacies, weaknesses and errors made by the entire cast of characters. I feel like after 7 years they should be mature enough to face their own inner demons and deal with it.  
  
The Wards cast by Willow are indeed like Novocain. I can and do feel every cut, every pass of the drill or scalpel the oral surgeon makes in my mouth, but the nerve endings are numbed so that I don't thrash and scream in pain. But believe me I feel it all later in a subdued way, when the anesthesia wears off and my wounds throb. *****  
  
When we left Xander was facing his own errors, and weaknesses**********  
  
" Xander I'm not trying to attack you, but you need to realize the pain you've caused me. I've forgiven you for all of it but I want to understand it, and I think Buffy feels the same way." Willow softly spoke.  
  
"Oh God Will. I just want what's right for my girls." Xander stammered.  
  
" We are NOT your girls." Buffy snapped. " We are grown women, we have every right to live our lives as we see fit. Not be judged and condemned by you."  
  
"He said you'd say that." He replied.  
  
"Did the first come to you?" Willow asked.  
  
"Not really appear, but I started to have dreams about Jessie. He and I would talk. He tried to make me angry with both of you, to fill me with doubts. He said you both were just keeping me around as a jester, someone you could use and laugh at." He squirmed in his chair.  
  
" The last time I dreamed about him, he said that you were through with me, and if I . if I left you, I'd be nothing more than a light snack for the First, that it would devour me. My only chance to survive was if you two would save me, but then I'd always be your whipping boy. I'd never be a real man" He hung his head.  
  
"The fight wasn't mine and I was a fool to stick around and risk my neck for you after all did you really need me?"  
  
"He said my dad was right I was a waste of skin, an imbecile, a cosmic joke. I'd never amount to anything but a dumb grunt. My place in hell is reserved. I murdered 16 people with that dumb spell I did to call Sweet."  
  
He rubbed his one good eye and continued. " I've lived the last seven years so quick to judge and blame you both when something went wrong, but what did I ever do. I put you both on a pedestal, and then gave you so much grief when you stumbled like any human does. I saw everything in black and white no gray for me, but it's funny"  
  
He took a deep breath, " Losing an eye effects more that you depth perception, I see so much more clearly now. I was never good enough for either of you, or for Anya. She may have been a little rough around the edges with the social graces thing, but she was always honest, just like Spike"  
  
"Maybe, we need to be a little more demonic in the way we deal with each other, not pad the truth. But face it head on, admit what we think and feel. Then we wouldn't keep tripping over the elephants."  
  
He took a sip of coffee, " I've been so unfair to you guys. I tried to make you behave the way I wanted. I pushed you and held back things that you should have known. I always counted on you to cover my ass when I screwed up. I doubted your decisions. I though I knew more then you did, I could see better than you when you made what I saw as a wrong choice."  
  
He sat up straight and laid his hands flat on the tabletop looking at both Buffy and Willow. " I went off halfcocked using magic and both times I did more damage than Willow has ever done. Giles saved my butt with the 'Love Spell', and then Buffy and Spike covered me when I called up Sweet."  
  
He shuddered lightly before he continued. " How can I call myself your friend? I knew what was causing all the singing and dancing but I never spoke up. I stood and watched as you danced and danced, starting to smoke and burn. It was the 'Demon' that saved you. I helped pull you back to this world, for my own selfish reasons. I couldn't face a world without you. I felt as if I couldn't have you then at least I could be part of your life"  
  
He sobbed, " Spike was right. He said magic always has consequences. Dawn you and Buffy need to know he tried to bring flowers when Joyce died, but I wouldn't let him. I accused him of using her death to get close to Buffy."  
  
"God I was so unfair to Anya, she knew deep down that she was my second choice. And she accepted it. She loved me that much. See Jessie made me see myself for what I am. Anya was right. I'm a scared lonely little kid. I tag along with you. Knowing that you'll cover for me. That I can always cop out with the I'm only a poor human carpenter crap"  
  
He turned slightly and faced Willow, " Please forgive me. I've used you as my security blanket. I knew whatever I did, however I screwed up, you would be there. You were my first and best friend. You love or is it loved me. I could muck it up so bad but you'd still see me as damn near perfect. I never thought about returning that trust. I doubted you and judged you so fast and so wrong."  
  
"I let you carry the guilt and blame. I stood by and never once questioned you when we resurrected Buffy. But deep down I knew I should have spoken. The rational part was gagged by the selfish part. Then I stood by and ignored the pain you were in, just like I ignored Willows pain when Oz left."  
  
He chuckled lightly, " You know I just realized that Spike and Anya both saw us a we really are. He warned us one to not listen to him we might 'get a little truth on' us."  
  
"I just wanted the good stuff the fun and glory, I ran and hide from the pain of life. From the pain I caused. If either of you made a choice I didn't agree with I was so quick to naysay, to disagree, then if it did go wrong I was so loud and proud to crow 'I told you so'. Willow, I always blamed you first if something went wrong like invisible Buffy, or the Gnarl. But when it suited my purpose I pushed you to do the magics." He stared at the Witch.  
  
"Can either of you ever forgive me?" He asked plaintively.  
  
"Yes Xander, it's all past." Willow answered, and Buffy chimed in, "That's what friends do."  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
More to come, this is hard to put in the right order. Who should be next under the spotlight? 


End file.
